Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.