It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Carpe DM
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.