i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
True.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day