HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears