My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now