Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”