Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Ah..makes sense now
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.