A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular