I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.