It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Extremely relatable.