People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Whoa 😂
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.