I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Self-cleaning conscience
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer