My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s