Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Good morning, Twitter x
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
A family that plays together cheats.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…