I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You Might Also Like
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.