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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.