{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Strangers have the best candy.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
this makes me so uncomfortable
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.