Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.