Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Easy enough.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this