FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
it be like that
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.