I ate everything, including the H.
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it