I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane