hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
my fav colour is also hitler
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.