Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it