Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Sell your car
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.