Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.