I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I drew y’all a little something.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*