Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭