I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me