2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.