Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.