WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
i hate you platonically
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The glockness monster
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”