Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?