Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Never be a pizza!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*