person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need