Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.