Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Breaking news:
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.