Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
the prophecies have been fulfilled
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.