My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed