Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
water it, i dare you
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.