Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
wait.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
the three genders
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Brb my Sims are getting married
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.