A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
peep davidson
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Always 🥴
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder