Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die