Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Don’t snitch tag.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
me and the Superbowl rn
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.