Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power