[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
OH. COME. ON.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.