Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat