as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
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Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Sunday
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.