Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?