People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Lmbo
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Nothing to do, you say?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that